By Laurie Notaro
It’s the main wonderful–and so much dreadful–season of the 12 months, while bins of brownies assault your thighs, drunken vacation revelers remain long gone their welcome, and your grandmother has conniptions on the division shop over the cost of hand lotion. Welcome to Laurie Notaro’s Christmastime.
In ten brand-new tales and 3 formerly released favorites, Notaro stocks the sidesplitting day-by-day mess ups of the vacations, like discovering herself on emergency female product recon in the dead of night on Christmas Eve; surrendering to the inevitable terrible present Parade via easily inquiring for vacation dish towels and sizeable white underpants from Sears; fighting the morons in line on the 7th Circle of Hell, in a different way often called the home made craft shop; and attempting to dwell down her recognition because the so much Unfun Christmas occasion visitor Ever, because of an unlucky false impression regarding a pretend overdose and emergency paramedics.
So even if you end up on the uninteresting and shrewdpermanent get together or the Raucous and silly occasion this vacation season, you’ll continuously comprehend the place to discover Laurie–just persist with the chocolate path over to the cheese platter. She’ll be the single dialing the law enforcement officials.
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Extra info for An Idiot Girl's Christmas: True Tales from the Top of the Naughty List
This must be surgery. I'll have new hands. Then maybe I can go home soon. My throat hurts. I'm back in the room with the balloons and Mom and Dad and my new hands. Is everything okay, Mom? Is everything okay, Dad? I try to say it with my mouth, but I've still got the breathing tubes in, so I say it with my eyes. “Everything's okay, honey,” says my mom. She heard me. There are lots of cards and pictures in my room, lots from people I don't know. Pictures of girls with teddy bears and pictures of Florida.
Brent, you must understand this is for your own good. ” I'm really crying now. ” “But they don't need to know. ” “You have to tell them. ” I can't talk anymore. I'm just crying and crying. I want her to go away and leave me alone. My favorite part of burn care is when they put the morphine into my blood. I know that they're supposed to drip it through the IV, but when they do it that way, I can barely feel it at all, and it just sort of makes me sleepy. Some of the nurses do me a favor and push the shot all at once into my bloodstream.
I say, “I don't know. ” “Yes, the arson in second-period gym on Friday. ” “No. ” “Brent, if you know anything or if you were somehow involved, it would be much better for you to say so now. It would be much better. ” “No. ” She stares at me for a few seconds. ” I get up and walk out of the office. She knows that I did it. When seventh period is finally over, I run to my locker and put all my books inside. I won't need them anymore. I grab my lock-picking set and a spare Ace of Spades that I have lying around.